If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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