I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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