What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
