anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
