I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
