all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
