just tell him i said nine months
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
