how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
