Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
