My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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