He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
