no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize