Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
