Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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