I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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