Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
