he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
