He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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