The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
