mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
