All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
