After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
