Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
