She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
