Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
