So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
