Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
