I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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