Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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