What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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