Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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