He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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