she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
