I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
