he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
