Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
