Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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