I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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