I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
