Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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