D3 body, D1 cock
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
