There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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