is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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