I'm eating all of the evidence.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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