got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
