Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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