sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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