Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
