He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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