There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
