hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
