put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
