I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
last night I used snow as a chaser
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
