drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
