Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
