sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
