woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
