just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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