This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Randomize