I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
