TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
