i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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